You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
