The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
