Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
