Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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