Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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