We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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