apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
