How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
