I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
