I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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