The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
