Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have post one night stand depression
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
