found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
