Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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