The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
