11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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