I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
