i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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