What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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