I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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