Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize