i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
