Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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