Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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