The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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