Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
