I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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