Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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