Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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