two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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