bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
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I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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