this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
