Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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