I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
