Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
