I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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