Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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