my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
