god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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