every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
