dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
