Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize