I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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