just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
