you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
