2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
