I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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