I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
