i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
