did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
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He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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