Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.