i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
