Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize