apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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