MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
