Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
