I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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