sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
