rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
