i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
