I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
