Got a toothbrush?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
