The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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