i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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