I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
