well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
