I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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