i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
